im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
