I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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