Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
