Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
