Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
