guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
