Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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