We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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