i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this beer tastes like vomit already
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
