you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
