My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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