I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
