I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
