I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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