just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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