Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
