Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
