So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
