there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
