you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
