you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
