I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
