Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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