I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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