I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
