looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It was confusing and full of hummus
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
