You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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