wrigley field is MILF paradise
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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