You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
