I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
