Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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