ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
