I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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