So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
