also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
