and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
