a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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