I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
