Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
