Porn is love you can see.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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