the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
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Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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