life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
