So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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