Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
