Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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