One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
