i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
