Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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