My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
