if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
