either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
