I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
