Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
