My friends, they love my intelligence
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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