I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
