yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
