they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
