she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
