i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
whose parrot is this?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
