I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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